Star Wars: Episode VII to Be Followed Up with Six Prequels

In an announcement that threatened to "crash the internet" late Tuesday afternoon, LucasFilm revealed that the hotly anticipated Star Wars: The Force Awakens will be followed up with six prequel movies. Lucasfilm president Kathleen Kennedy told reporters that the six films—tentatively titled Episodes I through VI—will "provide a backstory to many of the exciting characters and worlds you will see in Episode VII." "We're really excited to go on this journey with you." She said. "These six films will really allow us to explore the backgrounds of emerging characters like the lovable Chewbacca and his ageing sidekick Han Solo. It's going to be one heck of a ride." Star Wars fan forums are already rife with speculation, with fans hoping to see more adventures unfold on the dessert planet Jakku.

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McDonald's Launches Healthy Go-Eat-Elsewhere Option

OAK BROOK, IL (ExtP) - Responding to ongoing criticism of its nutritional practices, fast food giant McDonald's today announced its new healthy go-and-eat-somewhere-else option.

From February 1st, select McDonald's chains across the nation will be offering several all-new disclaimers on their menus, including "you might want to consider Subway" and "fresh market produce is often a better choice."

"We want to offer our customer's a wider variety when it comes to what they eat," said McDonald's CEO Jim Skinner. "Do you want a regular cheeseburger with large fries and a drink? Or do you want to something a little healthier, such as the salad bowls at Bigley's Fresh Mart? Providing healthy options is part of what we do and I think it's going to be a big success."

The go-and-eat-elsewhere option is widely viewed as an effort to curb high calorie intake, but many remain skeptical that the plan will even work.

"Introducing a healthy McDonald's-isn't-necessarily-for-you option is not going to cut it," said health expert Diane Pemberton. "People who eat at McDonald's are expecting a Big Mac and fries, not an advisory to keep on walking. Most of them have forgotten how to walk."

Embarrassed NASA Researchers Admit Earth-like Planet Actually Just Earth

CAPE CANAVERAL, FL (AbP) - Citing flawed statistical analysis and observational oversight, humiliated NASA researchers at Cape Canaveral have admitted that an Earth-like planet—believed to be in the "habitable zone" around a star similar to our own sun—was in fact just Earth. Despite earlier proclamations that the planet—initially named Kepler 22-b—was approximately 2.4 times bigger than Earth and existed some 600 light years away, further data beamed back by The Kepler space telescope has revealed the sphere's identity to be that of our own planet. "We feel really stupid about this," said lead Kepler investigator William Borucki. "All the data seemed to check out; there were no indicators that our wavelengths were in anyway corrupted. It's just... gosh... I feel so darn ridiculous."

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94-Year-Old Wistfully Recalls Those Care-free Days of His Mid-Eighties

KNOXVILLE, TN (AbP) - A 94-year-old man living in Knoxville, TN, told friends and family Thursday that, as he embarks further on the challenging journey of life, he has taken to wistfully recalling the care-free days of his mid-eighties. George French, born in Savannah, GA, in 1921, insisted that times were simpler between the ages of 83 and 86 because he still possessed most of his faculties. “Sweet Jesus, those were the days,” he said. “I was young and full of joy and I didn’t need anyone’s help getting to the bathroom. You never forget days like that. Things get harder with age.” Remarking that his mid-eighties represented a more socially vibrant period in his life, French concluded by saying he would “give anything to shoot poker with Annie and Ken again. It’s sad how you lose touch with friends as the years go by; particularly when those friends die of old age.”

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Worst Headache in World Responding Well To Ibuprofen

INDIANAPOLIS, IN (AbP) - The worst headache in the world was reportedly responding well Wednesday to the two ibuprofen tablets that local woman Annette Morton took early morning. The 26-year-old had expressed great discomfort while she and her boyfriend Zach embarked on an all-day cleaning spree. "It's totally the worst headache ever," insisted Morton, shortly after the worst headache in the world began overwhelming her this morning. "It hurts so bad," she continued. Despite the presumably chronic pain, however, Ms Morton is expected to make a full recovery in just over an hour from now, so long as she lies down for a little while with her eyes closed.

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Trump Sparks Controversy By Going Single Day without Offending Minority Group

NEW YORK - Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump sparked widespread controversy Wednesday after the New York businessman failed to publicly offend a minority group. Trump, who is currently leading national polls among GOP candidates, has remained a dominant figure in U.S. media coverage following remarks he has made about Mexicans, women, and members of the Muslim faith. However, at a campaign event in Iowa earlier today, Trump controversially limited his half-hour speech to the topic of tax cuts - angering supporters who were hoping to hear him elaborate on plans to deport Syrian refugees.

Biden Keeps Asking Obama If He Can Take Air Force One for A Spin

WASHINGTON D.C.—Desperate to hit up a couple of buddies over in Cape Cod, Vice President Joe Biden keeps asking President Obama if he can just take Air Force One for a spin. Vowing that the president's plane would not pick up so much of a scratch, Biden insisted that "a couple of the guys are going out fishing this weekend and it would be really fucking neat to fly in unannounced." However, it is believed that Mr Obama is highly reluctant to loan out the plane after Biden totaled the presidential limousine following an ill-judged New Year's prank.

WASHINGTON D.C. - Desperate to hit up a couple of buddies over in Cape Cod, Vice President Joe Biden keeps asking President Obama if he can just take Air Force One for a spin. Vowing that the president's plane would not pick up so much of a scratch, Biden insisted that "a couple of the guys are going out fishing this weekend and it would be really fucking neat to fly in unannounced." However, it is believed that Mr Obama is highly reluctant to loan out the plane after Biden totaled the presidential limousine following an ill-judged New Year's prank. - See more at: http://indytribune.blogspot.com/2012/08/biden-keeps-asking-obama-if-he-can-take.html#.dpuf

That One Empty Building Suddenly a Halloween Store

DAYTON, OH—According to various sources Monday, that one totally empty building downtown - you know, that one right next-door to Great Clips - suddenly became a Halloween store over the weekend. Previously consisting of little more than a dusty interior and two mysterious paint cans, the building, which routinely spends the year utterly unoccupied, was today decked out in a shiny new orange-black color-scheme, with "Halloween City" spelled out across its facade. Though details are few at press time, it is believed that the shop will transition into a red and white Christmas outlet later next month before it is forgotten about for another 10 months.