Star Wars: Episode VII to Be Followed Up with Six Prequels

In an announcement that threatened to "crash the internet" late Tuesday afternoon, LucasFilm revealed that the hotly anticipated Star Wars: The Force Awakens will be followed up with six prequel movies. Lucasfilm president Kathleen Kennedy told reporters that the six...

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McDonald's Launches Healthy Go-Eat-Elsewhere Option

OAK BROOK, IL (ExtP) - Responding to ongoing criticism of its nutritional practices, fast food giant McDonald's today announced its new healthy go-and-eat-somewhere-else option. From February 1st, select McDonald's chains across the nation will be offering several all-new disclaimers on their...

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Embarrassed NASA Researchers Admit Earth-like Planet Actually Just Earth

CAPE CANAVERAL, FL (AbP) - Citing flawed statistical analysis and observational oversight, humiliated NASA researchers at Cape Canaveral have admitted that an Earth-like planet—believed to be in the "habitable zone" around a star similar to our own sun—was in fact...

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94-Year-Old Wistfully Recalls Those Care-free Days of His Mid-Eighties

KNOXVILLE, TN (AbP) - A 94-year-old man living in Knoxville, TN, told friends and family Thursday that, as he embarks further on the challenging journey of life, he has taken to wistfully recalling the care-free days of his mid-eighties. George...

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Worst Headache in World Responding Well To Ibuprofen

INDIANAPOLIS, IN (AbP) - The worst headache in the world was reportedly responding well Wednesday to the two ibuprofen tablets that local woman Annette Morton took early morning. The 26-year-old had expressed great discomfort while she and her boyfriend Zach...

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Trump Sparks Controversy By Going Single Day without Offending Minority Group

NEW YORK - Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump sparked widespread controversy Wednesday after the New York businessman failed to publicly offend a minority group. Trump, who is currently leading national polls among GOP candidates, has remained a dominant figure in...

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Biden Keeps Asking Obama If He Can Take Air Force One for A Spin

WASHINGTON D.C.—Desperate to hit up a couple of buddies over in Cape Cod, Vice President Joe Biden keeps asking President Obama if he can just take Air Force One for a spin. Vowing that the president's plane would not pick...

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That One Empty Building Suddenly a Halloween Store

DAYTON, OH—According to various sources Monday, that one totally empty building downtown - you know, that one right next-door to Great Clips - suddenly became a Halloween store over the weekend. Previously consisting of little more than a dusty interior...

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